First Circle (Limbo):
Autocorrect
Here wander the otherwise virtuous souls who were forced into grievous errors by autocorrect programs. They sit in silent masturbation, only rising once every hour to chant eerie koans such as “ducking auto cat rectal.”
Second Circle:
The Serial Comma
One half of this circle is populated by souls who are cursed to make arguments that nobody cares about except their own mothers, howling gorgons and the infernal mistresses of hell. The other half are cursed to make arguments that nobody cares about except their own mothers, howling gorgons, and the infernal mistresses of hell. The difference between these two situations seems to matter a lot to both halves. Neither side will listen to you when you suggest that they could avoid this level entirely.
Third Circle:
Unnecessary Use of Quote Marks
They may think they’re getting off the “hook,” but in this level quote marks are used as cavalierly as these souls used them in life. Does “groin-dissolving” in quotes indicate that your treatment is not really groin-dissolving, or are the quotes merely being used in the place of italics, you’ll wonder? More importantly, is the “seafood” buffet on “Sundays” “fresh” and “free”?
Fourth Circle:
Hated Abbreviations
ICYMI, this level is for people who use OPAs (off-putting abbreviations) to show off their supposed hipness and/or needlessly confuse others. New abbreviations are constantly being invented and CASJ dropped into conversation. The souls are expected to KTOS (know them or suffer). Good luck with your KLRDT (Keats-like rapidly degenerative tuberculosis) as you’re also subjected to MMMTDs (massively multi-personal medieval torture devices). Are you doing OK? No. You’re doing AWACBE (as well as can be expected), given the MNNTKUWNVECD (mind numbing need to keep up with non-vocabulary-extending cultural dross). In short (but is it really?), it’s annoying AF.
Fifth Circle:
Meaningless Truisms
This level is what it is. You be you.*
*Naturally, forced to embrace reality and themselves exactly as they are, souls on this level experience extremely high levels of depression, even for hell.
Sixth Circle:
Misused Apostrophes
Most souls on this level are cursed to endlessly hunt for things that they mistakenly stated belonged to someone or something. Where is Kid’s party? What about Nacho’s $5.75? This entire level has lost it’s way.
Seventh Circle:
Using Emojis To Sum Up Feelings or Events
That Are Way Too Complicated for Emojis To Sum Up
So you thought you were being “economical” and “Hemingwayesque” by leaving others wondering what the shit you meant by your cryptic emojis? You’re now cursed to be eternally robbed of resolution. The results of your recent chlamydia screening? 😶 And what was that “seafood” you had in the third circle? 🦄
Eighth Circle:
Needless Correctors
The souls in this circle often toured the other circles, mocking the poor souls who suffered there for their poor command of the English language. Little did they know that one of the worst circles was reserved for them and their grating tendency to overcorrect English usage at every opportunity. These are the people who can’t watch an episode of Star Trek without pointing out that “to boldly go” splits the infinitive, who cause you to cringe the instant after you say “I don’t know which restaurant we’re going to.” They are forced to compose tweets for President Trump. The punishment for writing any tweet that is even close to grammatically correct is needless physical corrections to the offender’s body. Very physical and very needless.
Ninth Circle:
Literally, the Ninth Circle
It is literally the worst circle ever.
–John Rauschenberg, McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, November 20, 2017
Contributed by David Israel
